I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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