After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
