Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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