I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
