went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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