textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
