that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
