i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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