When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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