we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
