I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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