i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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