Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
