Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
FUCK WHALES
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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