Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
