I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
