I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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