today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
