8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
