im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
