her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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