I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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