is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
