I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
