I want to have your abortion
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
