if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
