Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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