I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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