I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
