I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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