"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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