I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
