I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
