Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
