Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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