Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
