I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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