we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
