when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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