she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
