I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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