The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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