I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
