His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
