I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
