just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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