I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
