Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
