From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
