Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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