come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
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I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
dude. I can hear the air.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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