If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
