a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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