i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
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