i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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