ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
