Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
